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Screen Shot 2013-08-13 at 11.24.13 AMWelcome to Stag Nation. Population: You.

This is how I felt when I took my first step onto campus as a transfer student. My old school wasn’t a good fit, but how could I ensure Fairfield would be a better one? Entering in as a junior, all the cliques seemed to have sealed their doors.

Worry not, young stagling! All hope is not lost. Finding your niche as a transfer student can be rough, but here is a comprehensive list of strategies that will ensure you don’t end up being the stag going stag to Prez ball.

Ask excessive amounts of questions in class so that everyone knows how smart you are. This is a sure fire way to get other students interested in you. They might even ask to copy your homework! Success!

Sleep in public places. Especially if you are a heavy sleeper, it will probably prompt a few passerby to poke you to make sure rigor mortis hasn’t kicked in. Another great way to passively force others to interact with you!

Don’t shower for several days. Humans are attracted to each other by pheromones in sweat glands so the more pungent your scent, the more people will be drawn to you! Also, who doesn’t enjoy their own natural aroma?

Join a club! For me, that club was The Mirror, but there are literally hundreds of clubs to get involved with. Participating in a club will force seasoned stags to socialize with you, show you the ropes so to speak. Try to usurp the club leader right away so you can gain complete control and force club members to be your friend!

Everyone knows drinking is cool. Pretend to be drunk – all the time! Guarantee you will make more friends than you can possibly remember. And don’t worry about embarrassing yourself. In fact, the more you slur your words and stumble around, the cooler everyone will think you are.

Play your favorite music in the library very loudly. Other people will probably come over to tell you how much they like the song!

Get a campus job! Employment at the library or campus bookstore will also force hundreds of students to interact with you. And you will get paid! Money and attention – who could ask for more?

Vomit in class. DPS will escort you to health services and give you an opportunity to vent to them about your transfer woes. If you are lucky, some classmates might even ask if you are OK next time they see you! Pity and forced socialization – two birds with one stone!

Join a sports team, especially if you have never played the sport before. Your team members will be more than happy to pick up the slack for you!

Make up an imaginary boyfriend/girlfriend and talk about them constantly. It will make you seem more desirable so more people will want to be your friend. If some made-up person wants you, everyone will!

Join Glee Club and practice on your way to class by singing loudly to yourself. Everyone will be so impressed by your talent. Who doesn’t love a free concert?

Seriously though. Just suck it up and start a conversation with a stranger. What’s the worst that can happen? Rejection? Just wait until you graduate and start applying for jobs.

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